I can almost guarantee you that all your favourite older people have
this one trait in common. Your favourite bosses. Your favourite senior
citizens. Your favourite family members. (Please let me know if the
comments if I am right about that or not -- I'd love the feedback.)
What is it?
These people are encouragers.
It’s pretty simple to adopt this trait. It’s a habit that you can decide to develop, and start doing right away. Whether you’re at the top of your company, or you just want better relations with your family, this habit will make life better. Money-back guarantee.
Have I convinced you yet? Well, here’s how to do it. (Again, I'd love to know -- do your favourite people do this, or not? Please share your experience below.)
Eight Tips to Becoming a Great Encourager
1. Never miss an opportunity to say, “Wow, I’m amazed by you.”
People almost never say this. They really should. Every time you think it, decide to have the guts to say it, out loud. Or, even better, write a card as a lasting memory of the accomplishment.
Tell your kids that you’re proud of their accomplishments. It won’t spoil them. It will just teach them to share that joy with others (make sure you encourage them to share that behaviour with others – the lesson could be as simple as “is there anything that makes you are proud of me?” – make it two-way, and teach them to start thinking of reasons to praise and thank others. It’s one of the best life-success lessons you can possibly teach them. More important than high grades, more important than success in sports).
Tell people when they are impressive! Really, do be brave enough to say it out loud. Whether someone made a good speech, took a good initiative, or simply looks good today, people need to hear it. Say it.
People treasure thank you and congratulations cards. They may even display them on their desk or in their cubicle.
Another way to be an encourager – ask someone about that thank you card on their desk! What was it for? Give them a chance to tell you about their success.
2. Realize that it’s lonely at the top.
Do not assume that people tell the awesome people that they’re awesome. Do not assume that because they’re earning a pile of money, they know. In actual fact, awesome top people often get ignored while everyone else is heading out for a drink after the seminar. I mean the speakers at the sessions, the top people in companies, the people you really want to talk to. They’re the ones who end up with nobody to talk to. Hello, career advancement opportunities. (Read more in the examples below.)
Unfortunately, the typical reaction to a successful person in our society is either envy and fear, or a sycophantic sucking-up. Don’t be that person.
Instead, be the person who has enough compassion and intelligence and self-confidence to treat the really awesome people like they’re just like you – and maybe they are. If you’re wise enough to encourage those at the top, they’re likely to encourage you right back. And if you can do that, you’re also the kind of person who will make it to the top – if you want to.
3. Never miss a chance to say “thank you.”
Essential. Thank you is another word that too many people are too lazy to say these days. Thank your cashier, the storekeeper, your child’s teacher, your underlings, the people who mentor you at work. People who do things for you, and people who do things for other people. Just thank everyone! It makes people feel good to receive acknowledgment for what they’ve done.
And don’t only say thank you. Also take the time and extra sentence to praise some aspect of the job that they did. Even better than “thanks for bringing the cookies to our group today,” say “thank you for bringing the cookies to our group today. They were really delicious.” Or, if you didn’t find them delicious, then you could say, “I could see so many of the group members enjoying them.”
Be creative with your praise. You have got a good brain. If you want to get ahead, then use it. Think up praiseworthy elements of others’ performance and tell them about them!
If you’re going to tell me something lame like “oh, I’m not creative,” then fine. Stay in your lowly position. Or, re-think that. Who said that you’re not creative? Some unencouraging person? Dismiss them from your mind forevermore. You have plenty of time to develop your creativity. Instead of zoning out, why not spend your time on public transit looking at total strangers and dreaming up what you might praise them about. Once you get into this habit, it will come more naturally to you.
Another really good place to slip in “thank you” is in e-mails. It changes the whole tone of the e-mail for the better.
4. Respond.
You know all those e-mails that you have sent that seemingly went into the ether? You sent out a proposed idea to your team, and nobody responded? Or you sent out a proposed time/place, and everybody just assumed that you knew that they agreed or that they were busy?
Don’t be one of those assumers. It’s horrible to send out an e-mail and have nobody respond. Take the time to say “thanks, Bob, for taking the initiative here. I’ll make time to be there as you suggest.” Or, even, say “thanks, Bob, for taking the initiative here. I won’t be able to make it on Wednesday due to a prior commitment, but I admire what you are doing and your commitment to our team. Thanks.”
The non-responding silent people aren’t doing a single thing to make the world a better place. And they’re not moving up in their job, or improving the office, community, or family atmosphere with that attitude, either.
Also really easy to do: respond to Facebook and LinkedIn posts. It’s such an easy way to give small snippets of praise. And every time you write a positive and encouraging comment to someone in social media, every other person who reads that thread gets an impression of you as an encourager – someone they want to know. Because we all need and want more encouragers in our lives, whether we have defined that for ourselves or not, we do want it.
5. Show up.
Here’s another easy bit of low-hanging fruit. People these days sit at their desks surfing Facebook, or sort of thoughtlessly wander off somewhere else during lunch hour, when someone in the office takes the time to put something together at lunch.
Show up. Listen to their presentation. Or daydream instead of listening the whole time. But show up. The presence of your body affirms their being there and making the effort. And your presence gets noticed, too. Other people in the office who are encouragers will be there. And they’ll notice that you’re there.
Not to mention – if you are there, you might learn something. It could be something from the presenter, or it might be something from the other people there. Just show up. The people who are ignoring this person’s initiative and toodled off to the food fair as they usually do at lunch with the same old social group aren’t learning anything new, you can bet on that.
Even better, show up, listen, and ask questions. Take the time to praise them afterwards.
6. See the people nobody else sees.
Hundreds, even thousands, of people pass cashiers every single day. And a lot of people treat them no better than they treat the automatic checkout computers.
Take the time to practice your encouragement skills on the cashier. Again, be creative to think of a sincere and meaningful compliment if you can, but if you can’t, compliment something light and easy, like their sweater, their hairstyle, or their efficiency.
Other often-invisible and un-praised people include cleaners, secretaries, librarians, and many others. The shy kids at school – take the time to be the adult who says something kind to the kid on the edge of the group, instead of just interacting with the ones at the front of the pack.
Simply take the time to notice them as people. Greet them. Pay attention. Practice remembering their names and personal details. These skills are the skills of leaders. You don’t see leaders picking and choosing who they acknowledge. True leaders see everyone.
You never know what good your praise will do. You do know it’s going to lift whoever you praise and acknowledge up. You don’t know how high it will lift them. It might be just a little bit, or it might be the inspiration to soar.
7. Praise everything worth praising.
It’s unbelievable how many people pour hours and hours into volunteering, or into doing an incredible above-the-call-of-duty job at work or home, and do an absolutely amazing job serving other people… and then nobody thanks them. Take the time to be that person!
Thank the person who exchanges the carpets for clean ones at your coffeeshop. Thank the post delivery person. Thank the person mopping the floor. Aren’t all those people working for us? Yes, they are, and they’re doing a hard job, quite often.
It’s made so much harder when nobody notices. All you need to do is say, “thank you for doing what you do, so well,” and that person’s day will be made shorter, easier, brighter. Maybe there’s no job benefit in it for you, but you know what? There’s an energy benefit. When you make someone else feel good, you’ll feel good. And the practice of noticing the good things others are doing is going to make your every day brighter
8. Read Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People.
It is one of the English-speaking world’s greatest compendiums of wonderful advice on how to become a successful, thriving, encouraging, wonderful person. Mr. Carnegie explains the value of a smile, and how to use a person’s name. How to praise, how to avoid complaining, how to make your staff more successful, how to avoid conflict. How to sell others on your greatest asset – yourself. I can’t recommend this book enough.
Examples of this kind of behaviour
To cement this lesson, let’s think through some examples.
If you go to visit a parent or a grandparent, and they’re full of criticism of you, or selfish woe for themselves, you limit your time with them, don’t you? But if they always think to ask an encouraging question about your interests, and always think to give you a sincere compliment – even if it’s the same old one – then you feel good when you think about your visits with them, and you go more often.
So, be that person. Be the one, no matter what age you are, who asks interested, positive, encouraging questions, or who gives compliments (questions all the time can sometimes be too probing, but sincere and genuine compliments are almost always welcome!). You’ll have more company and more friends.
If your boss takes the time to compliment you on you work, and praises your smallest improvement, you’re fired up to do more, aren’t you? If your boss criticizes your performance, with no seasoning of praise in the criticism, chances are that your performance will decrease even more.
So be the person who praises every improvement. If you need to criticize someone’s actions or performance, then package it with praise, too. Come on, create something. I’m sure you can by now.
Think the top people don’t need to hear? He wrote me three thank you notes.
I meant to be a romance writer (I still do, actually.) I went to a romance writers’ conference.
All these writer people were making appointments to talk about their manuscripts with this big, impressive, lady editor. So, I talked to the writer people. And I listened to the presenters. And I noticed… that the big, impressive, lady editor was actually really cool-looking. And that nobody was inviting her along when everyone was going for drinks. Remember, this is the person they all came to see. Totally. Ignored her. Seriously.
So anyway, I asked if she’d like to have a drink with me, and she said yes, and she was awesome fun (note: I talked to her like a normal person, not about my manuscripts). And at breakfast the next morning, she said, “you should write your story, because you’ve lived with integrity, and people will want to hear it.” That’s the kind of thing a little person never forgets, encouragement like that.
Then, she invited me to New York. To stay at her house. Which I did. And to send my manuscripts – which was what all those people who were busy begging for her company at interview time and ignoring her at socializing time would have dreamed of.
Notice everyone. And take the time to invite them, encourage them, thank them. You never know where it will lead. You might notice and encourage someone who seems to be in a lowly position, but who puts a good word about you in somewhere that it can really help. You never know from where help will come. So put that positive energy out there! And have faith that it will bear fruit.
You do also know where ignoring people, not clicking like, and not complimenting them will go: exactly nowhere.
What is it?
These people are encouragers.
It’s pretty simple to adopt this trait. It’s a habit that you can decide to develop, and start doing right away. Whether you’re at the top of your company, or you just want better relations with your family, this habit will make life better. Money-back guarantee.
- You will become more popular.
- You will be more respected by your peers (not least, because they will perceive that you respect them more).
- People will pick you first when they are drawing together a team.
- People will never hesitate to recommend you when an opportunity comes up.
- The people who work for you will work better, faster, smarter, happier, more engaged and committed.
- You will be a better friend, spouse, parent, leader.
Have I convinced you yet? Well, here’s how to do it. (Again, I'd love to know -- do your favourite people do this, or not? Please share your experience below.)
Eight Tips to Becoming a Great Encourager
1. Never miss an opportunity to say, “Wow, I’m amazed by you.”
People almost never say this. They really should. Every time you think it, decide to have the guts to say it, out loud. Or, even better, write a card as a lasting memory of the accomplishment.
Tell your kids that you’re proud of their accomplishments. It won’t spoil them. It will just teach them to share that joy with others (make sure you encourage them to share that behaviour with others – the lesson could be as simple as “is there anything that makes you are proud of me?” – make it two-way, and teach them to start thinking of reasons to praise and thank others. It’s one of the best life-success lessons you can possibly teach them. More important than high grades, more important than success in sports).
Tell people when they are impressive! Really, do be brave enough to say it out loud. Whether someone made a good speech, took a good initiative, or simply looks good today, people need to hear it. Say it.
People treasure thank you and congratulations cards. They may even display them on their desk or in their cubicle.
Another way to be an encourager – ask someone about that thank you card on their desk! What was it for? Give them a chance to tell you about their success.
2. Realize that it’s lonely at the top.
Do not assume that people tell the awesome people that they’re awesome. Do not assume that because they’re earning a pile of money, they know. In actual fact, awesome top people often get ignored while everyone else is heading out for a drink after the seminar. I mean the speakers at the sessions, the top people in companies, the people you really want to talk to. They’re the ones who end up with nobody to talk to. Hello, career advancement opportunities. (Read more in the examples below.)
Unfortunately, the typical reaction to a successful person in our society is either envy and fear, or a sycophantic sucking-up. Don’t be that person.
Instead, be the person who has enough compassion and intelligence and self-confidence to treat the really awesome people like they’re just like you – and maybe they are. If you’re wise enough to encourage those at the top, they’re likely to encourage you right back. And if you can do that, you’re also the kind of person who will make it to the top – if you want to.
3. Never miss a chance to say “thank you.”
Essential. Thank you is another word that too many people are too lazy to say these days. Thank your cashier, the storekeeper, your child’s teacher, your underlings, the people who mentor you at work. People who do things for you, and people who do things for other people. Just thank everyone! It makes people feel good to receive acknowledgment for what they’ve done.
And don’t only say thank you. Also take the time and extra sentence to praise some aspect of the job that they did. Even better than “thanks for bringing the cookies to our group today,” say “thank you for bringing the cookies to our group today. They were really delicious.” Or, if you didn’t find them delicious, then you could say, “I could see so many of the group members enjoying them.”
Be creative with your praise. You have got a good brain. If you want to get ahead, then use it. Think up praiseworthy elements of others’ performance and tell them about them!
If you’re going to tell me something lame like “oh, I’m not creative,” then fine. Stay in your lowly position. Or, re-think that. Who said that you’re not creative? Some unencouraging person? Dismiss them from your mind forevermore. You have plenty of time to develop your creativity. Instead of zoning out, why not spend your time on public transit looking at total strangers and dreaming up what you might praise them about. Once you get into this habit, it will come more naturally to you.
Another really good place to slip in “thank you” is in e-mails. It changes the whole tone of the e-mail for the better.
4. Respond.
You know all those e-mails that you have sent that seemingly went into the ether? You sent out a proposed idea to your team, and nobody responded? Or you sent out a proposed time/place, and everybody just assumed that you knew that they agreed or that they were busy?
Don’t be one of those assumers. It’s horrible to send out an e-mail and have nobody respond. Take the time to say “thanks, Bob, for taking the initiative here. I’ll make time to be there as you suggest.” Or, even, say “thanks, Bob, for taking the initiative here. I won’t be able to make it on Wednesday due to a prior commitment, but I admire what you are doing and your commitment to our team. Thanks.”
The non-responding silent people aren’t doing a single thing to make the world a better place. And they’re not moving up in their job, or improving the office, community, or family atmosphere with that attitude, either.
Also really easy to do: respond to Facebook and LinkedIn posts. It’s such an easy way to give small snippets of praise. And every time you write a positive and encouraging comment to someone in social media, every other person who reads that thread gets an impression of you as an encourager – someone they want to know. Because we all need and want more encouragers in our lives, whether we have defined that for ourselves or not, we do want it.
5. Show up.
Here’s another easy bit of low-hanging fruit. People these days sit at their desks surfing Facebook, or sort of thoughtlessly wander off somewhere else during lunch hour, when someone in the office takes the time to put something together at lunch.
Show up. Listen to their presentation. Or daydream instead of listening the whole time. But show up. The presence of your body affirms their being there and making the effort. And your presence gets noticed, too. Other people in the office who are encouragers will be there. And they’ll notice that you’re there.
Not to mention – if you are there, you might learn something. It could be something from the presenter, or it might be something from the other people there. Just show up. The people who are ignoring this person’s initiative and toodled off to the food fair as they usually do at lunch with the same old social group aren’t learning anything new, you can bet on that.
Even better, show up, listen, and ask questions. Take the time to praise them afterwards.
6. See the people nobody else sees.
Hundreds, even thousands, of people pass cashiers every single day. And a lot of people treat them no better than they treat the automatic checkout computers.
Take the time to practice your encouragement skills on the cashier. Again, be creative to think of a sincere and meaningful compliment if you can, but if you can’t, compliment something light and easy, like their sweater, their hairstyle, or their efficiency.
Other often-invisible and un-praised people include cleaners, secretaries, librarians, and many others. The shy kids at school – take the time to be the adult who says something kind to the kid on the edge of the group, instead of just interacting with the ones at the front of the pack.
Simply take the time to notice them as people. Greet them. Pay attention. Practice remembering their names and personal details. These skills are the skills of leaders. You don’t see leaders picking and choosing who they acknowledge. True leaders see everyone.
You never know what good your praise will do. You do know it’s going to lift whoever you praise and acknowledge up. You don’t know how high it will lift them. It might be just a little bit, or it might be the inspiration to soar.
7. Praise everything worth praising.
It’s unbelievable how many people pour hours and hours into volunteering, or into doing an incredible above-the-call-of-duty job at work or home, and do an absolutely amazing job serving other people… and then nobody thanks them. Take the time to be that person!
Thank the person who exchanges the carpets for clean ones at your coffeeshop. Thank the post delivery person. Thank the person mopping the floor. Aren’t all those people working for us? Yes, they are, and they’re doing a hard job, quite often.
It’s made so much harder when nobody notices. All you need to do is say, “thank you for doing what you do, so well,” and that person’s day will be made shorter, easier, brighter. Maybe there’s no job benefit in it for you, but you know what? There’s an energy benefit. When you make someone else feel good, you’ll feel good. And the practice of noticing the good things others are doing is going to make your every day brighter
8. Read Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People.
It is one of the English-speaking world’s greatest compendiums of wonderful advice on how to become a successful, thriving, encouraging, wonderful person. Mr. Carnegie explains the value of a smile, and how to use a person’s name. How to praise, how to avoid complaining, how to make your staff more successful, how to avoid conflict. How to sell others on your greatest asset – yourself. I can’t recommend this book enough.
Examples of this kind of behaviour
To cement this lesson, let’s think through some examples.
If you go to visit a parent or a grandparent, and they’re full of criticism of you, or selfish woe for themselves, you limit your time with them, don’t you? But if they always think to ask an encouraging question about your interests, and always think to give you a sincere compliment – even if it’s the same old one – then you feel good when you think about your visits with them, and you go more often.
So, be that person. Be the one, no matter what age you are, who asks interested, positive, encouraging questions, or who gives compliments (questions all the time can sometimes be too probing, but sincere and genuine compliments are almost always welcome!). You’ll have more company and more friends.
If your boss takes the time to compliment you on you work, and praises your smallest improvement, you’re fired up to do more, aren’t you? If your boss criticizes your performance, with no seasoning of praise in the criticism, chances are that your performance will decrease even more.
So be the person who praises every improvement. If you need to criticize someone’s actions or performance, then package it with praise, too. Come on, create something. I’m sure you can by now.
It’s Lonely at the Top – real stories
On being laid off a job recently, I took the time to write to one of my past managers – one of the top guys in the company – to tell him what I really think of him. in all its unfashionable, glowing detail (why hold back? what did I have to lose?). I told him in exact, extremely positive terms truly how much he had inspired me.Think the top people don’t need to hear? He wrote me three thank you notes.
I meant to be a romance writer (I still do, actually.) I went to a romance writers’ conference.
All these writer people were making appointments to talk about their manuscripts with this big, impressive, lady editor. So, I talked to the writer people. And I listened to the presenters. And I noticed… that the big, impressive, lady editor was actually really cool-looking. And that nobody was inviting her along when everyone was going for drinks. Remember, this is the person they all came to see. Totally. Ignored her. Seriously.
So anyway, I asked if she’d like to have a drink with me, and she said yes, and she was awesome fun (note: I talked to her like a normal person, not about my manuscripts). And at breakfast the next morning, she said, “you should write your story, because you’ve lived with integrity, and people will want to hear it.” That’s the kind of thing a little person never forgets, encouragement like that.
Then, she invited me to New York. To stay at her house. Which I did. And to send my manuscripts – which was what all those people who were busy begging for her company at interview time and ignoring her at socializing time would have dreamed of.
Notice everyone. And take the time to invite them, encourage them, thank them. You never know where it will lead. You might notice and encourage someone who seems to be in a lowly position, but who puts a good word about you in somewhere that it can really help. You never know from where help will come. So put that positive energy out there! And have faith that it will bear fruit.
You do also know where ignoring people, not clicking like, and not complimenting them will go: exactly nowhere.
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