Jesus the 12-year-old: Perpectives on Parenting and what we think we need from God

I had the privilege of doing the sermon at the United Church in Banff and I thought I'd share my thoughts here too. Discussion welcome.

Jesus the Kid
The reading for this week at the United Church is a little bit about how Jesus is in Jerusalem with his parents when he's 12, and they wander off without noticing (for a whole day) that he's fascinated by the teachings at the temple. (Luke 2: 41-52) 

Don't blame the parents for not noticing -- one academic source I read postulated that Jesus had at least 4 brothers and 3 sisters. Since he was 12, that's 7 kids younger than that... and people travelled in herds back then, thank goodness. Naturally they assumed the 12 year old would be managing himself responsibly, or that someone else was minding him.

When they discover that he's missing, they backtrack the one day that they've travelled while they weren't noticing, back to Jerusalem. They look for him for three days, and find him at the temple (where he says that he had told them he'd be, but they hadn't understood that somehow -- you know how parents are). He's hanging out with the old dudes there, listening to what they have to say and asking them questions.

So. That's what it says in the Bible story as it was written down by Luke back in the day. Reading and discussing the various ways that people have interpreted that since has been alternately fun and frightening.

The first interpretation I read, in the recommendations from the church office in the little how-to book of suggestions for pastors each week, irritates me to no end in its vacuous character.

It says "gosh, parenting is hard in all eras. Talk about that." I will not! Of course people find it "hard" when their teenagers are not 100% obedient, but how does wallowing in difficulty and commiserating with each other, inspire us? Let people commiserate and complain outside of church. That's not what a sermon is about. Kvetch in the coffeeshop. Be inspired at church. Find your better self.

If teenagers are seeking something wonderful, it's not our job as parents to demand obedience! How many brilliant human beings have been squashed by thoughtless authoritarian policies?
As parents, when our children shine (and clearly, Jesus had star quality), our job is

• to enable that brilliance!
• to get them the education they seek
• to facilitate it when the seek the influence of other healthy smart capable interesting adults
• to facilitate their opportunities for adventure and travel 

For how else can they flex their muscles as leaders? Demanding obedience from brilliant people is completely wrong-headed.
Indeed, another suggested reading from the lectionary for this week is from Colossians, and the text of that passage reminds us of our duty here.

 put on hearts of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering

People with those qualities don't sit around and complain about how "kids aren't like they used to be."
In fact, they aren't -- and the reason is the abysmal parenting in my generation. Rather than seeing the brilliance in their offspring, many parents these days sin, and sin again.

Here are common sins of parents in my generation:

• leaving their kids at home or in childcare, when the parents go out to interesting things. BAD! Remedy -- from Cirque de Soleil to a university lecture, take your kids! Teach them how to behave with good manners, and show them the world. Let them play quietly while you fill your mind -- they'll be filling their minds, too.
• Sitting them in front of a glowing computers or iPad screens and not forcing them to seek better entertainment. BAD! Remedy -- get rid of the electronics. Period. Let them be bored, for it is in the emptiness that they will find themselves.
• Not teaching them how to talk to all generations. BAD! Too many parents are allowing their kids to hide these days. Remedy: Teach them how to talk to everyone, and insist they learn to shake hands -- even little girls -- professionally and properly. (Do not force them, however, to hug people -- that is a grevious violation of their free choice.)

So. Jesus was a big guy, right? Jesus the kid went and sought knowledge, and the temple guys allowed that. In fact, they were probably delighted, if they were wise and smart enough to learn from kids, which we hope many of them were. Maybe they were even intimidated. Was this God, coming to check up on them? They'd better answer correctly.

Another interpretation of this scripture that I found on the internet was very worried about the idea that Jesus, as God's son, would have to learn anything. Clearly, the person who wrote that wants a God who is all-knowing, all-powerful, and can be blamed for anything and everything that happens in life.

Leaders seek knowledge, and are always learning, whether it's from children, tradespeople, world leaders, or their own experience.

Who would want a leader who thought they were too good to learn? Not me. (It's a scary thought, isn't it? There are plenty of churches out there that try to present the idea that God knows all, and the church leaders will tell the flock how to behave, and thou shalt not step out of line or question the leader, who represents God... and people fall for this. Many people want to hand over all of the responsibility for their souls to someone else, just like they want to hand over all responsibility for their health, to a doctor.)

I don't believe in a Jesus or a God who would be so arrogant or dumb. I think it makes a lot more sense to believe in a leader who listens, and who is humble enough and clever enough to learn.

And I think the lesson for us from this reading is to pay attention to our own perspective.

Like anything we hear at church, rather than blind obedience to some other human's ideas, instead, let's think about what our reactions to what we hear, tells us about ourselves.

Were Jesus' parents worried? Of course!
Did they make him fall right back in line? Yes. For family convenience, according to the reading, they decided they needed him to be obedient the family, above all things.
What was the result of them forcing his obedience and yelling at him for getting lost? 
Let's remember what he did soon after that -- early in his life, he left his family and went wandering with his gang of disciples.

If you want your 12-year-old to stay close, you need to allow them to explore, and facilitate their own efforts to enhance their own brilliance, not merely squash them and force them to conform for our convenience. Sometimes we need family conformity, but it should be thoughtful and clearly communicated.

The lesson here is not just for parents. It's for every adult in society.
It's also this: Jesus sought guidance from adults other than his parents, and teenagers these days do, too.

When the electrician came over last month when one of my electrical outlets did some shenanigans and melted the cord on a lamp, he offered as a matter of course to share a lesson with me about how to replace the cord end. We waited for my 12-year-old son to come home from lunch so that he could also learn this skill. Now that's correct Christian behaviour: making time to share what gifts you have, with those around you.

BJ didn't just give my son the lesson about how to change a plug on an electrical wire. He gave him the confidence of knowing that BJ thought he was worth the lesson -- that he judged him smart enough to learn, and worth teaching. It is so very powerful when adults who are not related, take an interest in children and teens. It's a huge, esteem-boosting compliment.

Nowadays, people have a ridiculous, damaging hands-off policy towards other people's kids. They don't give advice, they don't share lessons, they don't share love.  

Well, do. Just like that, choose to start being a person who does see kids and teenagers, and who does take time to mentor them, see them, compliment them, listen to them. It matters so much. Maybe more than anything else you might do.

Just like the 12-year-old Jesus sought lessons from those other than his parents, teenagers these days seek to learn from the sages of our time. So... be a sage. Share your wisdom. Do not ignore the kids or the people around you.  Know that the light you share with them, helps their own light grow.
Do reach out and speak to teenagers you don't know. A lot of them are nice kids, and you can stoke the fires of their interest and change their lives with small interactions. 

Jesus was amazing, a marvel, an extraordinary human being by all accounts. Maybe your kid is, too. And what about the people around  you? This Sunday, and every day from now on, why not listen to them, and find out? Look for the inner light that makes them shine, and figure out what your part might be in helping them stoke their own inner fire.

Thanks to http://www.allanstanglin.com/from-the-lips-of-children/ for the picture.