There are many incredible social benefits that most parents and grandparents in my generation totally omit to give their children. Believe me, it shows. And then those same people complain about kids.
If you have ever complained about your own kids or your own grandkids, or some kids close to you, here are some things you can do. Because if you are complaining, that means that you see a need for change, and if there's a need for change, then you can be part of it. Put your money (or more important, your time!) where your mouth is.
PARENTS can decide to seek out, and allow, the following opportunities for their children.
NON-PARENTS (grandparents, neighbours, etc.) can start to liaise more with parents about providing these kinds of opportunities.
For the purposes of this article, I am going to use church as an example. It happens that many social benefits can be derived for free at church, and maybe in some other community organizations too.
In fact the people in that photo aren't people I know from church, but through a professional organization. They have been there to give my son love and cheerfulness and crafts and garden training and philosophy and fun on a very regular basis. Sometimes, when I felt stressed out of my tree, as all parents do sometimes, they were an extra-special blessing. You can see all the love in this photo and how joyful the kid looks. It was a miracle to me at the time.
First of all, let me assure you that this article has nothing to do with God. I'm not going to sermonize to you about religion. However, I am going to enumerate all the incredible things that my kid has gotten for free at church, with very little input needed from me.
I've been a single mom for nearly 13 years now. During the times that I was exhausted, run down, and unable to be a perky, wonderful role model, I could take kiddo to church and he could still get interesting, cool, fun experiences. The place was full of people with songs in their voices, with sun in their hearts, with smiles for him -- and for me.
Instead of the judgement that a weary mother might face at the mall or the coffeeshop or anywhere else in society, at church, I normally just got peace, and even greater peace in knowing my child was well-served by other adults, mostly grandparents (or great-grandparents) now, who were so happy to see us. Here's a secret that my generation seems to have forgotten:
Most grandparent-age people love to see, and be with, children. They don't find their energy a nuisance. They find it a refreshment. So enable that interaction!
*Caveat: This supposes that you have taught them some basic manners and respect for their elders. Parents who do not teach their kids manners and respect are handicapping them so badly. If you have a hunch that your grandchildren have no manners.... well, take them out of the house and teach them. They WILL listen to people who model excellent behaviour. And they will be grateful. Eventually.
** Other caveat: of course, not all church communities are wonderful. Some might not be your cup of tea, or might have poisonous folks in them. Nonetheless they're certainly worth exploring. Or how about a calligraphy or quilting club? Kids used to quilt all the time, and they still can! And listen and join into the chat of the adult group, too.
Guide them. Bring them. Don't leave them at home with TV.
There are some cute little kids who have started going to my church. Like my son at their age, they love being given little jobs to do. Thankfully, my church has plenty of adults who are expert at finding those jobs. Carrying little plates of cake. Passing the collection plate during service. Fetching and carrying. Sweeping. Drying dishes. Now that he's older, he starts to help stack chairs, or clean tables, or wash dishes, before anyone asks. Like my son at that age, too, those tiny kids sit still and listen. For the whole church service, and for the whole lunch afterwards.
Yet I hear people complaining all the time that "kids can't sit still" and "kids never want to help." Really?
My guess is that the kids who "never want to help" haven't been asked in the right way -- with a firm expectation that people of all ages will pitch in to be part of the group. The kids who "never sit still" have people with them who assume that the kids won't sit still.
You might have to fight off the people who want to be all cutesy with your kid and train them in bad behaviour. We temporarily had an awful minister at our church who kept trying to insist on giving my son crayons to colour with or send him into another room. No. I was firm. Yarrow would sit and listen and behave, the same as my mother and her mother and her father and grandfather and generations of kids had learned to sit still. (Note: I know some churches have lots of kids and established Sunday schools, but ours is an older, smaller population and that wasn't the case or appropriate for us. Make your own rules.)
I don't understand why people think kids are different these days. They're not. They are exactly as capable as their grandparents were -- if we require it of them.
Let me ask you this:
• If your adult children are too busy and frazzled to get your grandkids to church, have you taken the grandkids to church? Or to neighbourhood gatherings or festivals or things at the seniors' club? And right here, I don't want to hear a bunch of protestations about letting them get on with their own lives and how people are busy and how communication is difficult. Have you asked? and Persisted? If you really just can't stomach church or don't have a church in your 'hood that you like, then have you made the time to be with each grandchild once a week? It could be a half hour Skype call even, if you are not in the same area. But it matters. Do it.
Just get out and do it. Pick those kids up and make time for them and take them to be with an amazing group of adults. And do it repeatedly.
Many grandparents of the current generation of kids seem to be willfully clueless to how much they're needed. Well, no more excuses.
Here are the sorts of benefits the kids you invest in will reap:
Good adult behaviour
Singing
Reading music in hymn book
Speaking in public
Friendly small talk
Caring behaviour
Doing dishes
Bringing food
Sharing work -- church maintenance, garage sales
Helping seniors/each other
Putting a party together
Doing anything, because having experienced little bits of work from when they were little, they'll know they can! Thank you for caring. Don't complain unless you're willing to be part of the solution.
And you CAN be part of the solution! Have faith in yourself and the young people around you. Get around your shyness with the parents and find a way to spend time with kids.
I would also like to mention that you need not be related to kids that you help. Indeed, some of the most wonderful adults in my son's life, who have been most helpful and consistent for us, have no blood relations to us at all.
Remember, family and friends are made of love, not of blood.
Seniors and youngsters are a natural match that we need to encourage in our society.
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