There's a power that authors have, that I started thinking about when a writer of the novel I had just read abused it (I'll tell you about that abuse before the end of the article -- first, I talk about a couple of gurus who are shining bright and doing it right).
Then I realized that it's not just authors who have this power, but every adult walking around on the Earth right now, especially non-parents. So I thought I'd talk about how to harness this power and not wimp out on it like most Canadians and Americans these days.
Here's what's in this article:~ Why parents suck these days and what everybody else can do about it
~ An example of awesome
~ Case studies: Fertile Soil Stinks
~ How an author abused the greatest power
~ What you can do. What we all can do.
~ The real title of this article is at the end
Over the weeks while I was pondering this article, two friends separately came to me with a problem they each had: they had a teenage nephew or niece who they wanted to support, but they felt that other family members would resent them stepping in to offer support, so they were wondering, what's the right thing to do? Offer support, or turn away to protect themselves (and the teens in question) from the angry family members?
The answer is clear. All teens (and all adults too, for that matter) will have a better experience, potentially evolve into better adults, for having someone say "I believe in you." You do not need to be related to a person to say that. You do not need a lot of time with them to say it. You do not even need to be in the same place as them -- these days, you can telephone, text, Skype, or e-mail those affirming messages. You can "be there" by "being here."
And to struggling teenagers, that can make all the difference. One single adult who takes the time to say "hello, how are you?" when times are tough with your parents can be the difference between success and failure. Between staying with your goal or giving up. Between trying for one more day, or ending it all.
No matter how brilliant we are as parents, almost all teenagers will go through periods of doubt and separation from believing their parents.
Unfortunately, in too many cases, parents voice so much criticism and so little praise, that teenagers may believe that their parents hate them. Indeed, though parents may not be feeling like that, some certainly act like it. As a population, North Americans do an awful job of parenting in general (I exclude Mexico here -- Mexican society seems to have much better family ideas than the average Canadian or US-raised person, though of course I am generalizing. There are amazing parents here, and terrible parents there, too).
Anyway, in our society here, I know this much: parents are very often, and within social acceptance, indifferent (even more so since e-mail, LinkedIn, and smartphones came out), selfish (e.g. golf with "business buddies" instead of quality time with their kids), inept (it seems to be okay to say "I don't know how to talk to my kid, so I don't do it").
It's criminal. It's an abuse of our most important power. However, this article isn't about fixing that.
I have taken time to make sure he has had alone time with wise and brave adults we know, including men, women, and couples. Gardening, doing chores, hanging out. Time to talk and philosophize. Get ideas and perspectives and a sense of self and others and how other people work and how they admire him because of who he is (especially who he is when he is helpful. There is nothing wrong with giving kids opportunities to realize that others will find it easier to love you when you're well-dressed, helpful, and mannerly. Give them situations where they can practice being well-dressed, helpful, and mannerly. Church. Time at senior citizens' houses. Helping out at community events, which are fun AND a chance to grow and earn respect.)
Even if a teenager may appear to receive the compliment cynically at the time, they'll remember. Don't you remember an adult who complimented you when you were a child or teen? And how much difference that made to you?
ZERO. Not one single other Calgarian parent helped their kid get to this conference. Ah well, good for me, because the people that were there were EXACTLY the kind of gurus I wish more kids had access to (but parents, teens -- you gotta get out there and meet these amazing mentors... and there again, guess how many Calgary aunts, uncles, and family friends got internet-interested teens to the conference? ZERO.)
You won't be surprised that my son thought this guy was cool, when he was at the microphone:
(Tony Grimes, photo credit: Word Camp YYC)
So imagine how delighted he was when that guy took the time to stop in the hall and tell Yarrow "I'm glad you came, and how are you finding the day?" He genuinely wanted to know, or at least sure gave Yarrow that idea. He listened patiently to Yarrow's input and impressions of the sessions he had attended and what he had learned. Yarrow for sure felt glad he had come. Welcomed and welcome. Think he'll be keen to go to another one? Yep.
That's the little moment I mean. That little minute that you take the time to tell someone "I'm glad you're here." THAT is the magic that makes people self-assured enough to lead, later. THAT is the magic that makes people feel like they belong, so they can focus on learning, not on worrying (as teenagers often do, and adults sometimes too) if everyone is thinking they're stupid/ugly/not good enough.
(John Smiley, photo credit: WordCampYYC)
This guy and this guy:
also took the time to chase us down when a question I had asked didn't get answered in a session. They took the time to focus on me,
and mentor me, and make me feel like my learning and development into a
Wordpress-smart person mattered to them. They wanted me in the club.
(Mike Tighe, Paul Thompson, photo credit: WordCamp YYC)
That two minute (or ten-minute) magic that they invested in me is paying its dividends during these hours and hours while I try to figure out WordPress. They took the time, so I'll take the time not to give up. It's a fair contract that we forge just by talking and helping others. Our commitment spurs on others' commitment.
And we adults can all do that for each other, but more importantly, we can do it for teens. Just by being there, just by quietly listening and taking some time to be attentive, we can change their world.
In other cultures, many adults acknowledge and take this power seriously. They use it well. In North America, most adults in our present time are selfishly, thoughtlessly abusing it, or ridiculously, not acknowledging that they have it (and hence, squandering it). Our whole society is suffering from the idiot ignorance of this power.
Circumstances aside, what's the commonly known darkest time of life? You know it. You went through it. The teen years. You can help make someone else's teen years brighter than your own were. Or as bright as yours were, if you had bright ones.
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~
So back to the original question my friends asked. Should you turn your back when hostile parents don't want you to help their teen?
A young nephew lives at some distance from a friend of mine. She had connected with him about his interests some years before, and knew that he was experiencing some troubled times, but she didn't know what would be appropriate to offer him. She actually wants to help him write a book, because she thinks he's been that extraordinary and his story is worth telling. But she knows that his parents shun any talk at all about his life having been difficult, even though it's no fault of his own, or theirs, that he got a life-threatening illness (and he beat it!).
She's pretty sure that being able to write about it, to talk about it, would help him. She's probably right. Should she offer him that? Or be loyal to his parents' gag order?
It seems clear to her that he needs to talk. He's a young adult now. So she sends e-mails and lets him know the door is always open, the telephone line is always free, for him to talk about everything, in confidence, with her. Maybe she'll introduce the book idea in time.
For that young man, having an aunt who cares can make all the difference. Maybe this year, all she'll help him do is manage his depression. But who knows? In five or ten years he could be a travelling author, speaking about his experience to inspire and help others. He won't be able to do that with his parents' shame about his situation, but he might be able to do that with his aunt's belief behind him.
Of course, it's better to have a hundred, a thousand, a million, people who believe in you. But in cases where parents are putting a bushel over their children's light because of their own shame, you can be the one who steps in and make sure that flame doesn't go out. Without even causing conflict with the head-in-the-sand parents, you can quietly be the breath of air for a teen when they're suffocating under unfair restrictions. It might be the most useful thing you do for humankind this lifetime. Don't pass up your chance.
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~
In another case, a friend went in to help a young person clean up her home and get back on her feet after some hard times. She had been drifting alone with no parental support for several years (estranged from one side of the family by her mother, who she now doesn't speak with), which led to depression. Her only support was another young person, her boyfriend, who lacked the skills to help.
She ended up swallowing a bunch of pills and in the ICU. When my friend showed up, the house this young woman shared with her young boyfriend (both of them out of work and drowning in depression) was knee-deep in garbage, complete with mold and insects. She couldn't imagine her young cousin having to come home to that after her time in the hospital. With her weakened immune system, she could catch an infection and become very ill. So, she got her hands dirty.
It doesn't matter what reasons they shouted. Spiritual incorrectness is spiritual incorrectness, no matter how many people are behind it. Though turning our backs on young single women (and mothers too), is extremely common (I would even say "trendy" and "easy to do") in current society and may be what a lot of people would do, it's never right. Unfortunately, people often use the lemming argument to defend wrong action.
My friend got her hands dirty in the smelly stuff and planted some positivity. Absolutely the right thing to do. She took a risk and put herself on the line to show someone who needed it, that she cares. The trust and hope she planted will not be forgotten by the young woman. It might not be a miracle cure, but it sure is some fertilizer and water on seeds that were experiencing, clearly, some pretty barren conditions.
So you can introduce really, really great ideas. And people will take those ideas and go forth in the world and do really cool things. You can have a character behave like a weak loser the whole time, or, you can write like Maeve Binchy and have your characters overcome their weaknesses (I read that she once said something "at the beginning of the books, many of my characters are losers, but by the end of the book, they get better.")
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~
So in this book I read, here's what happened. Heroine is having a romance with a hero who is a single dad, and is he ever a loser. He doesn't communicate at all well with his daughter. He goes with that modern society "It's hard to talk to my teen, so I don't," thing. And the author wreaks no judgment on him. Okay, fine. He's a loser. Maybe he'll get better, I think.
So he sneaks around to have a romance with the heroine. Naturally, and quite honourably, Loser Dad's daughter is interested in the heroine, so she goes and gets a job at her shop while heroine and hero (ha, some hero) are having a romance. Heroine and Teenage Girl start having a friendship. A relationship, so we think. This is great!
Nope. We learn that Loser Heroine deserves Loser Dad. When Loser Dad finds out his daughter is working in the shop, he yells and rants, and Heroine fires Teenage Daughter, no discussion, because Loser Dad insists. Loudly. Irrationally. Without reason or thought for consequences to Teenage Daughter.
WHAT?
The author had a chance here to show readers how to live a better life. She could have had Heroine stand by Teenage Girl, and tell Hero that he needs to grow up, and that she's not going to spinelessly drop another woman in the dirt just to avoid his irrational anger. But no. We see Heroine behave submissively to Man Behaving Badly, and it's like the author tosses the teenager over her shoulder, conveniently discarded.
No. It's not okay to act this way, and it's not okay to write characters this way, meanwhile portraying those characters as desirable people. The teenage daughter deserves just as much respect as the father, and in this case, she deserved more. She was communicating, she was responsibly doing a job well, she was acting with love and caring for those around her. That kind of good behaviour should be rewarded with respect. Instead, we saw Mr. Loud and Angry get all the respect, while everyone else put up with it. We can teach people to do better, can't we?
Every time people read about characters acting weak and making excuses, it's like you're giving them extra license to copy that behaviour in their real lives.
Just like the families in the case studies who say it's okay to turn their backs because they're all doing it at once, if you write about characters behaving like weak fools without any consequences or at least illustrating some judgment, you're endorsing that behaviour. Hence, it's that same criminal negligence I was talking about before. There's no need to act that way.
So don't.
Sheep vs. Gurus
I think the imagined virtue for those behaving badly is that they believe they are staying safe because they're staying in the herd. They believe as long as they band tightly together, they're right.
But if you're crowded in with a bunch of spineless, shallow people who will happily throw one person over their shoulders, happily turn their back and ignore the consequences for one person in their tribe, guess what? They'll do it to you too. There is no safety with people like that.
But the ones who sniff their nose outside the pack, either because the pack is shunning them or because of their natural curiosity, still need your shepherd's crook, if you think of the crook as a loving, protective, support. Guidance, but not repression. Peaceful "being there"ness, wise words, calm acceptance.
Teenagers who behave in ways that make others uncomfortable are not fully grown and they need mentorship. We all do, in fact.
Conclusion
So, by the way, you might have noticed that all of the titles of the Gurus series chapters start with "Be" something. Be Light. Be Love. Be Possibility.
The title of this one, of course, is Be There. The simplest thing in the world to do. A dog can do it. Most dogs excel at it (cats too). Just sit beside someone with calm acceptance and listen, even if you don't speak their language.
The simplest thing in the world, but the one that I see parents of teens failing the most at lately.
Today, I challenge you to be a guru -- bring light into someone's life by deciding to Be There. For two minutes or twenty. All you need to do is listen and care.
Then I realized that it's not just authors who have this power, but every adult walking around on the Earth right now, especially non-parents. So I thought I'd talk about how to harness this power and not wimp out on it like most Canadians and Americans these days.
Here's what's in this article:~ Why parents suck these days and what everybody else can do about it
~ An example of awesome
~ Case studies: Fertile Soil Stinks
~ How an author abused the greatest power
~ What you can do. What we all can do.
~ The real title of this article is at the end
Over the weeks while I was pondering this article, two friends separately came to me with a problem they each had: they had a teenage nephew or niece who they wanted to support, but they felt that other family members would resent them stepping in to offer support, so they were wondering, what's the right thing to do? Offer support, or turn away to protect themselves (and the teens in question) from the angry family members?
The answer is clear. All teens (and all adults too, for that matter) will have a better experience, potentially evolve into better adults, for having someone say "I believe in you." You do not need to be related to a person to say that. You do not need a lot of time with them to say it. You do not even need to be in the same place as them -- these days, you can telephone, text, Skype, or e-mail those affirming messages. You can "be there" by "being here."
And to struggling teenagers, that can make all the difference. One single adult who takes the time to say "hello, how are you?" when times are tough with your parents can be the difference between success and failure. Between staying with your goal or giving up. Between trying for one more day, or ending it all.
No matter how brilliant we are as parents, almost all teenagers will go through periods of doubt and separation from believing their parents.
Unfortunately, in too many cases, parents voice so much criticism and so little praise, that teenagers may believe that their parents hate them. Indeed, though parents may not be feeling like that, some certainly act like it. As a population, North Americans do an awful job of parenting in general (I exclude Mexico here -- Mexican society seems to have much better family ideas than the average Canadian or US-raised person, though of course I am generalizing. There are amazing parents here, and terrible parents there, too).
Anyway, in our society here, I know this much: parents are very often, and within social acceptance, indifferent (even more so since e-mail, LinkedIn, and smartphones came out), selfish (e.g. golf with "business buddies" instead of quality time with their kids), inept (it seems to be okay to say "I don't know how to talk to my kid, so I don't do it").
It's criminal. It's an abuse of our most important power. However, this article isn't about fixing that.
I accept it. Parenting in North America sucks.
I accept it so much that I make sure that my son has other people around who he will be able to go to when relations between us break down. I mean, I still try to do the things I think might prevent that happening -- telling him I love him, talking through any disagreements, admitting when I have made mistakes, and, unlike my own parents, apologizing for that. But things will still probably break down to some degree, at some point. Teenagerhood kind of does that. So, especially as a single mom, I have taken care to provide him with great non-parents.I have taken time to make sure he has had alone time with wise and brave adults we know, including men, women, and couples. Gardening, doing chores, hanging out. Time to talk and philosophize. Get ideas and perspectives and a sense of self and others and how other people work and how they admire him because of who he is (especially who he is when he is helpful. There is nothing wrong with giving kids opportunities to realize that others will find it easier to love you when you're well-dressed, helpful, and mannerly. Give them situations where they can practice being well-dressed, helpful, and mannerly. Church. Time at senior citizens' houses. Helping out at community events, which are fun AND a chance to grow and earn respect.)
The point is, non-parents have a credibility that parents don't have.
When a stranger takes time to converse with, e-mail, or give a compliment to a teenager, it has so much more clout than when a parent does it, for the simple reason that the stranger doesn't have to. If a stranger takes the time to stop and compliment you, they must really think the compliment. They're not just making it up to try to be a good parent.Even if a teenager may appear to receive the compliment cynically at the time, they'll remember. Don't you remember an adult who complimented you when you were a child or teen? And how much difference that made to you?
Here's an example of adults being cool to a kid.
My son and I took advantage of the fact that WordPress gets its annual WordCamp conference sponsored, meaning that anyone interested in web and blog design can go for basically the price of lunch -- $25. Guess how many people under 18 were there? How many parents took advantage of a great day to hang out with their kid for cheap and get them some skills? Great chance for high schoolers, ya?ZERO. Not one single other Calgarian parent helped their kid get to this conference. Ah well, good for me, because the people that were there were EXACTLY the kind of gurus I wish more kids had access to (but parents, teens -- you gotta get out there and meet these amazing mentors... and there again, guess how many Calgary aunts, uncles, and family friends got internet-interested teens to the conference? ZERO.)
You won't be surprised that my son thought this guy was cool, when he was at the microphone:
(Tony Grimes, photo credit: Word Camp YYC)
So imagine how delighted he was when that guy took the time to stop in the hall and tell Yarrow "I'm glad you came, and how are you finding the day?" He genuinely wanted to know, or at least sure gave Yarrow that idea. He listened patiently to Yarrow's input and impressions of the sessions he had attended and what he had learned. Yarrow for sure felt glad he had come. Welcomed and welcome. Think he'll be keen to go to another one? Yep.
That's the little moment I mean. That little minute that you take the time to tell someone "I'm glad you're here." THAT is the magic that makes people self-assured enough to lead, later. THAT is the magic that makes people feel like they belong, so they can focus on learning, not on worrying (as teenagers often do, and adults sometimes too) if everyone is thinking they're stupid/ugly/not good enough.
THAT is the magic. The two-minute magic.
This guy did the same thing. Two minutes to check in with the one young person who showed up, and say "it's great to have the young guys here too." And to take the time to see if the kiddo could get into the pub for the afterparty (he couldn't, of course, not in Canada, but no big deal, it is so nice they tried.)(John Smiley, photo credit: WordCampYYC)
This guy and this guy:
also took the time to chase us down when a question I had asked didn't get answered in a session. They took the time to focus on me,
and mentor me, and make me feel like my learning and development into a
Wordpress-smart person mattered to them. They wanted me in the club.(Mike Tighe, Paul Thompson, photo credit: WordCamp YYC)
That two minute (or ten-minute) magic that they invested in me is paying its dividends during these hours and hours while I try to figure out WordPress. They took the time, so I'll take the time not to give up. It's a fair contract that we forge just by talking and helping others. Our commitment spurs on others' commitment.
And we adults can all do that for each other, but more importantly, we can do it for teens. Just by being there, just by quietly listening and taking some time to be attentive, we can change their world.
And not only can we, we must. If we don't, if we don't guru in this way, to me, it's criminal negligence. It's leaving people to commit suicide, if it's that bad, or to wander alone in the dark or to stumble through without hope or help.
(Yes, I just used "guru" as a verb. It's something you can choose to do.)In other cultures, many adults acknowledge and take this power seriously. They use it well. In North America, most adults in our present time are selfishly, thoughtlessly abusing it, or ridiculously, not acknowledging that they have it (and hence, squandering it). Our whole society is suffering from the idiot ignorance of this power.
This is one of the most profound powers available in society right now.
It is greater than the power of money.
It is the power of influence,
of planting seeds in the most fertile soil
available in society today.
It is greater than the power of money.
It is the power of influence,
of planting seeds in the most fertile soil
available in society today.
Fertile soil stinks: Case studies
Yet most people turn their backs on that fertile soil and treat it with as little respect as if it was barren rocky ground. If we take the gardening analogy a little further, and you think about the most fertile gardening soil, it does stink, doesn't it? Rotting humus and perhaps manure. But a great gardener doesn't fret about a little shit. It's in the darkness that the seeds can flourish the best. So get your hands dirty and plant a little positivity.Circumstances aside, what's the commonly known darkest time of life? You know it. You went through it. The teen years. You can help make someone else's teen years brighter than your own were. Or as bright as yours were, if you had bright ones.
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~
So back to the original question my friends asked. Should you turn your back when hostile parents don't want you to help their teen?
A young nephew lives at some distance from a friend of mine. She had connected with him about his interests some years before, and knew that he was experiencing some troubled times, but she didn't know what would be appropriate to offer him. She actually wants to help him write a book, because she thinks he's been that extraordinary and his story is worth telling. But she knows that his parents shun any talk at all about his life having been difficult, even though it's no fault of his own, or theirs, that he got a life-threatening illness (and he beat it!).
She's pretty sure that being able to write about it, to talk about it, would help him. She's probably right. Should she offer him that? Or be loyal to his parents' gag order?
It seems clear to her that he needs to talk. He's a young adult now. So she sends e-mails and lets him know the door is always open, the telephone line is always free, for him to talk about everything, in confidence, with her. Maybe she'll introduce the book idea in time.
For that young man, having an aunt who cares can make all the difference. Maybe this year, all she'll help him do is manage his depression. But who knows? In five or ten years he could be a travelling author, speaking about his experience to inspire and help others. He won't be able to do that with his parents' shame about his situation, but he might be able to do that with his aunt's belief behind him.
Of course, it's better to have a hundred, a thousand, a million, people who believe in you. But in cases where parents are putting a bushel over their children's light because of their own shame, you can be the one who steps in and make sure that flame doesn't go out. Without even causing conflict with the head-in-the-sand parents, you can quietly be the breath of air for a teen when they're suffocating under unfair restrictions. It might be the most useful thing you do for humankind this lifetime. Don't pass up your chance.
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~
In another case, a friend went in to help a young person clean up her home and get back on her feet after some hard times. She had been drifting alone with no parental support for several years (estranged from one side of the family by her mother, who she now doesn't speak with), which led to depression. Her only support was another young person, her boyfriend, who lacked the skills to help.
She ended up swallowing a bunch of pills and in the ICU. When my friend showed up, the house this young woman shared with her young boyfriend (both of them out of work and drowning in depression) was knee-deep in garbage, complete with mold and insects. She couldn't imagine her young cousin having to come home to that after her time in the hospital. With her weakened immune system, she could catch an infection and become very ill. So, she got her hands dirty.
The dirtier thing would have been to do nothing," she said. "Adults cutting these kids loose and turning their backs on them is what led to the problem in the first place."The young patient's church-going family protested, said that she should be forced to go it alone. I told my friends to ask the relatives this (since they are church-going, little explanation should be required):
"Don't you think Jesus would have done what I did? Or would Jesus have turned his back and walked away, as you're asking me to do?"The family actually suggested that my friend should have sent a church aid society (strangers to the young woman) in, instead of doing it herself. I mentioned false gurus in the guru intro article -- I hope it's clear to all readers that my friend acted correctly. What this family was claiming -- that somehow it was more correct to turn their backs, and that my friend should turn her back (and they were applying considerable pressure to her to do the same, saying that since they had a group meeting and agreed, that she must obey their wishes), was dead wrong. The group was shouting that they were right because there were more of them, because they had closer family connections, because...
It doesn't matter what reasons they shouted. Spiritual incorrectness is spiritual incorrectness, no matter how many people are behind it. Though turning our backs on young single women (and mothers too), is extremely common (I would even say "trendy" and "easy to do") in current society and may be what a lot of people would do, it's never right. Unfortunately, people often use the lemming argument to defend wrong action.
My friend got her hands dirty in the smelly stuff and planted some positivity. Absolutely the right thing to do. She took a risk and put herself on the line to show someone who needed it, that she cares. The trust and hope she planted will not be forgotten by the young woman. It might not be a miracle cure, but it sure is some fertilizer and water on seeds that were experiencing, clearly, some pretty barren conditions.
How an author abused that power
Let me tell you how the author I just read abused the power. Authors have even more power than normal mortals, because they can introduce ideas underneath the skin. When a reader is snuggled up with a book that they are enjoying, they are open to new ideas. They are fresh and without the walls and barriers that people normally erect in social conversation.So you can introduce really, really great ideas. And people will take those ideas and go forth in the world and do really cool things. You can have a character behave like a weak loser the whole time, or, you can write like Maeve Binchy and have your characters overcome their weaknesses (I read that she once said something "at the beginning of the books, many of my characters are losers, but by the end of the book, they get better.")
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~
So in this book I read, here's what happened. Heroine is having a romance with a hero who is a single dad, and is he ever a loser. He doesn't communicate at all well with his daughter. He goes with that modern society "It's hard to talk to my teen, so I don't," thing. And the author wreaks no judgment on him. Okay, fine. He's a loser. Maybe he'll get better, I think.
So he sneaks around to have a romance with the heroine. Naturally, and quite honourably, Loser Dad's daughter is interested in the heroine, so she goes and gets a job at her shop while heroine and hero (ha, some hero) are having a romance. Heroine and Teenage Girl start having a friendship. A relationship, so we think. This is great!
Nope. We learn that Loser Heroine deserves Loser Dad. When Loser Dad finds out his daughter is working in the shop, he yells and rants, and Heroine fires Teenage Daughter, no discussion, because Loser Dad insists. Loudly. Irrationally. Without reason or thought for consequences to Teenage Daughter.
WHAT?
The author had a chance here to show readers how to live a better life. She could have had Heroine stand by Teenage Girl, and tell Hero that he needs to grow up, and that she's not going to spinelessly drop another woman in the dirt just to avoid his irrational anger. But no. We see Heroine behave submissively to Man Behaving Badly, and it's like the author tosses the teenager over her shoulder, conveniently discarded.
No. It's not okay to act this way, and it's not okay to write characters this way, meanwhile portraying those characters as desirable people. The teenage daughter deserves just as much respect as the father, and in this case, she deserved more. She was communicating, she was responsibly doing a job well, she was acting with love and caring for those around her. That kind of good behaviour should be rewarded with respect. Instead, we saw Mr. Loud and Angry get all the respect, while everyone else put up with it. We can teach people to do better, can't we?
Every time people read about characters acting weak and making excuses, it's like you're giving them extra license to copy that behaviour in their real lives.
Just like the families in the case studies who say it's okay to turn their backs because they're all doing it at once, if you write about characters behaving like weak fools without any consequences or at least illustrating some judgment, you're endorsing that behaviour. Hence, it's that same criminal negligence I was talking about before. There's no need to act that way.
So don't.
Sheep vs. Gurus
I think the imagined virtue for those behaving badly is that they believe they are staying safe because they're staying in the herd. They believe as long as they band tightly together, they're right.
But if you're crowded in with a bunch of spineless, shallow people who will happily throw one person over their shoulders, happily turn their back and ignore the consequences for one person in their tribe, guess what? They'll do it to you too. There is no safety with people like that.
So don't be afraid to be the shepherd.
Be the brave person who's outside the herd. You're the one who has the power to rescue the other sheep who step outside the herd boundaries too. The teenagers who step outside the herd will be the gurus of tomorrow, or maybe even of today. (The ones who are bleating so hard that they must not step outside the pack to sniff the fresh air, are the ones who are going to need them!)But the ones who sniff their nose outside the pack, either because the pack is shunning them or because of their natural curiosity, still need your shepherd's crook, if you think of the crook as a loving, protective, support. Guidance, but not repression. Peaceful "being there"ness, wise words, calm acceptance.
Teenagers who behave in ways that make others uncomfortable are not fully grown and they need mentorship. We all do, in fact.
Conclusion
So, by the way, you might have noticed that all of the titles of the Gurus series chapters start with "Be" something. Be Light. Be Love. Be Possibility.
The title of this one, of course, is Be There. The simplest thing in the world to do. A dog can do it. Most dogs excel at it (cats too). Just sit beside someone with calm acceptance and listen, even if you don't speak their language.
The simplest thing in the world, but the one that I see parents of teens failing the most at lately.
Today, I challenge you to be a guru -- bring light into someone's life by deciding to Be There. For two minutes or twenty. All you need to do is listen and care.
Comments
Post a Comment