They need the steps -- teach, don't just talk

~ ~ ~ ~ If you know someone who this article can help, please share it forward. Take the time. A little effort can make a lot of difference in someone's life. ~ ~ ~ ~

The quote in the cover photo from this article showed up on my Facebook feed the other day.
I totally believe it. I know that it's true. And I have listened to a lot of Abraham-Hicks on YouTube, and what they say is gold. The problem I see with people in society tossing off glib little "you have to be happy if you want to attract happy people" sayings in public is that they do it without compassion.

I think they do it because they haven't thought it through, or because they don't know how to help. So I'm going to offer some helping steps here. If you know someone who is in a bad place, or if you are in a bad place, here are some steps that can help.

I know this stuff because I've had to live through it. I've been in that bad place with no way out. And then I found the way out, and crawled through the hole, and I would like to help others do the same. Maybe you can help, too, instead of being one of those smug people who utter cruel advice, if you learn these steps.

First, perhaps I should explain the quote above. Translate it into language everyone can understand. The idea, which is gaining ever-more-ground in the mainstream, is this:

• If you believe that you are loved, you will be.
• If you believe you are rich, you are.
• If you believe that life is very hard, it will be.

So this is why people say dorky things like "you have to love yourself before other people will love you." I hate that saying, because it's usually said by people who grew up with loving parents, who are surrounded by admiring, accepting friends, and who do they say it to? People who are surrounded by unsupportive people, uncaring family, and unhelpful friends. So don't say that. Ever again. Please.
I am not saying that it's not true. It is true. But it's not helpful.

So what can you say instead, when you see someone who doesn't seem to love themselves?
Well, start with looking underneath. Why don't they love themselves? We do not come into this world full of criticism and self-hate. Other people give it to us. Usually, there are two places that people learn that they are not allowed to love themselves:

• from their family
• at school.

These close-knit groups are all about comparison and, all too often, insults. "You are not the smartest kid in the class, are you?" "You're no good at sports." "You are ugly." "You are stupid." All of those things are said at school and on school buses every single day. So when you pop out with your perky little "oh, you should love yourself more," it's idiotic. They have been told so many times that they do not deserve love that what you are saying can not sink in.

So how do you get over that wall? Give them a baby step.

If you hear someone rejecting compliments, for example, you say they look good today, and they say, "come on, Susan, you know I'm ugly," don't argue with them. Instead, get under it. "Who told you that?" (There WILL be an answer, and possibly several.)

Listen to their answer. Then you can say, "well, they were wrong. You are really beautiful to me." Because the wounded person can hear the truth of you saying that the person who always abused them was wrong. They know that in their heart.

Get under it. Don't judge them for learning well the lessons that other people in their past have hammered into their heads, into their hearts. Instead, just give them love, in the here and now.
Here's an example of how it can work out with a happy ending:
1. Person grows up in family who is constantly putting them down.
Update: a reader suggested that we include people who have been at workplaces where they were put down. It can be difficult to get over these experiences. If you have colleagues (or unemployed colleagues) coming out of negative situations, all of the same advice applies. You can help.
2. When they meet normal people in society who might like them, they're too busy feeling put down to notice that the normal people like them.
3. When they meet people who are also abusive, they seem normal. So they partner with them, or become friends with them, and they keep getting put down.

The thing is, people who don't get it tend to blame the person who feels down, instead of giving them a hand up.

Something has to break the cycle. What does it? A constant weaning.

Let's switch perspective and say that you are the person who can't find the friends, the partner, the work, they want. What can you do? (These are the steps that you can help to teach others who need them.)

Step 1. The people we have are not always the people we need. Develop a sense of whether the people around you are serving you -- no matter who they are -- and decide how much time you will spend with them, according to whether they are good medicine for you, or poison. You have the right to be the maximum expression of your wonderful, beautiful self. Take the power to be that person.
Wean yourself off every single person who does any of the following things. "Weaning" means that you spend less time with them. You can do it gradually. You can ease away. Set yourself a deadline, if you want. But just start to spend less time with them. The behaviours you will no longer tolerate are:

• someone telling you that you can't. Because you CAN pursue any opportunities you want, create anything you want.
• someone telling you that you do not look good.
• someone constantly defending or explaining the perspective of someone who is abusing you.
• anyone who insults you. That is verbal abuse. Remove yourself.
• anyone who hits you or otherwise does anything to hurt your body.
• anyone who tells you that you "have to" put up with others' bad behavior.
• anyone who enables your own harmful habits, such as agreeing with you when you voice a negative opinion about yourself.
• anyone who insists that you have to do things their way -- sometimes you come across people who seem to want to help you, but actually their advice is no good at all. Trust your intuition. You can always choose to back away from those people for a while, and then, if you see that you can set a boundary and maintain a friendship, you might be able to go back. Maybe you'll find other solutions through considering their advice. But give yourself the right to back away. You deserve to choose your own actions! And you deserve some peace and quiet time without being preached to, to decide in your heart what's truly right for you, in your life, with your goals, dreams, hopes, and abilities.

Step 2: Do not be afraid to be alone for a while. Spending less time with harmful people might not automatically mean that you find great people. Sometimes you might need to be patient. It might be lonely. But isn't it better to spend time alone, then to spend it with people who are insulting you, or not believing in you, or beating on about the past?

While you are alone, consider listening to positive things on youtube. Louise Hay is a good bet, and so is Abraham-Hicks. Listen to positive, loving messages that are medicine. You need positivity just like a person with scurvy needs Vitamin C, just like someone dying of thirst needs water.
If there are people who mock you for this, don't worry about them. Those are the people you're weaning yourself away from (also, wean yourself away from telling those people anything. All they do is judge and mock your good decisions anyway).

Step 3: Find positive people, gradually. One of the hardest parts of weaning ourselves away from people who do not serve us is the being alone. Humans NEED other humans (it makes me so upset to hear someone call another person needy -- we are all needy! It's just that some people have their needs met, and others do not). But the way to finding positive people is sometimes a slow one. So be patient.

When you are finding new people, you need to install your filters. Have you found someone that you click with, but you find that your conversations are focussed on complaining

Places to find positive people in the desert:

OLD people. They're wise. They're patient. They've been there before, or at least many of them have. And they have time for you. More than that, they can be somewhat easy to access through volunteering positions. Offer to help, either at a center or a neighbor. And know that when you're offering help, that's all you get -- the chance to help. But helping another person is one of the best ever ways to feel better when you're feeling down. 

Volunteering: Another fun fact about helping is that if you find a group of people who help, they tend to be pretty cool, interesting people. Your mileage may vary -- most groups of volunteers will have at least one control freak -- but there will also be lots of grounded, active, interesting people there.

Mentors: People who sign up to be mentors tend to be positive and supportive. Access these programs if they are available to you. Seek out people who you want to be like and ask if they will mentor you. Even thinking up the positive questions to ask them will help you form your process.

Meetup.com groups: Choose things that interest you. Go with no expectations for a time or two. Sometimes you'll go and meet a person or two who is interesting. You might show up to a few meetings that suck. Or you might really find a tribe of jewel-like people.

Churches: Of course, churches have a variety of medicine and poison, like everywhere else. But generally they have group events going on, and often there are people there who enjoy reaching out to new people, and who enjoy helping and being a friend and getting to know you. You know why? Just because you are you.

Small store owners: If you live near small businesses, you may live near friendly people who are there, standing at the counter in their store, for twelve hours a day. You can bring them coffee. You can bring them laughs. You can enjoy their wisdom and their friendship and their reflections on life, while you are helping them to move boxes.
And then you can bask in their discovery of you, too.

(Caveat: Some small store owners love to have people come just for a visit. Do be considerate of their time and what they need to do and don't loiter about and be a nuisance if they are busy. Some folks have time, others don't. Some might not want company, but plenty do. It doesn't hurt to stop in and start a friendly conversation now and then.)

Because you are an interesting person worth knowing, and people will start to see that when you get out from under the cloud of people who were dragging you down.
 
However, don't tell your whole story. If you are emerging from a bad place, censor yourself a little. Coach yourself to focus on the positive, and no matter how much you need to tell the truth of the negative things that have happened to you, don't do that right when you first meet people. Learn to make sure that the words that come out of your mouth are at least 80% positive. Some tips for this:

• If people ask you about your experiences, you are allowed to gloss over details that are not fun to talk about. You do not have to tell nosy folks everything.
• A great way to stay positive in conversations is to focus on the other person. Ask them about their experiences. You will probably learn some interesting things!

Think outside the box.

Those people who are putting you down never do. They tell you that you "have to do this" and you "must not do that" and "life is terribly difficult." Guess what? There are a million solutions to your situation.

Here's an example of a hard situation. How do you solve it?
Imagine that you were raised in a family that put you at the bottom of the totem pole. They never seemed to see your abilities or enjoy your company. Not unnaturally, you sought affection elsewhere and ended up becoming a mother -- a wonderful, powerful, amazing thing to be, but because of finances and the fact that the baby's father not only insults you, he also does not help, you feel obliged to live in your parents' basement. Your parents do not treat you like the wonderful, powerful, amazing mother you want to be, but like a disobedient, shameful child. But you feel stuck. What can you do?
Same thing. Wean yourself off those people who are putting you down, and find positive people. The ones that really see your light, see how awesome you are, and are glad to be with you. How can you do this?

1. Get out of the basement -- take your baby and go to the coffee shop, walking, volunteering, anything. And while you are out, figure out other ways to escape the basement longer-term (See 2).
What if you're housebound? Your parents' house is so far in suburbia that you have no chance to escape it in cold weather? Well, you can also find solutions by going on the internet -- but be careful to find positive places on the internet, and not spend a lot of time commiserating with people who want to speak negatively about your situation, their own situation, or the world in general. Learn to find positive people and solutions.

2. Find a situation where you can work or help others and still be with your child. If you start thinking outside the box, there are many such possibilities.

• There are senior citizens who need live-in caregivers, and you can develop a professional, friendly, respectful relationship.
• There is a network called WWOOF where you can earn your room and board by working on a farm. People who host in that organization tend to enjoy people, and are unlikely to be the overwhelmingly negative type.
• Consider if there might be any others who could use your help. Rather than thinking of who might help you, think of who you can help. They, of course, will be helping you in return, but if you can provide them with something they need and be participating in a meaningful way, you will feel better about yourself and the relationship is likely to be more sustainable.

Parenting is one of the most important things we can do in this life, and it's crucial to find ourselves positive situations to enable us to do our best job possible.
If you know someone stuck in a negative place, please help them to think outside the box for positive solutions.